I’m sitting alone in a small neighborhood bar with my computer, journal, and a lovely little cocktail with vodka, lemon, and rosemary. Today is the eve of beginning my first post-grad “big girl job.” I’m feeling all of the excitement, nerves, and uncertainty that come with a new endeavor of this significance. Is this the moment I’ve been dreaming of for years? Short answer, no. But I couldn’t be more thrilled with where I’m at, where I’m going, and the pursuit of figuring it all out as I go.
I finished my bachelor’s degree a little over two months ago. For three years, I studied rhyme and meter, narrative and form. I picked apart sonnets, scribbled messy villanelles, and read book after book of poetry. And I loved it, truly. I loved it so much that for the longest time I pictured myself building a career in writing. I never knew what that meant. I dreaded the question from older relatives after telling them my field of study: “what are you going to do with that?” I didn’t know then. I would make up something different every time. “I’m going to be a copy editor! I plan to work in publishing! I’m going to get an MFA and write a book of poetry! I’m going to be a travel writer!”
If I’m being completely transparent, I don’t know the answer, now, either. That’s sort of how I got here. I had a bit of an epiphany a few nights ago, lying awake in my too hot bedroom (it’s summer and I live in Arizona). As I said before, I’m so happy with where I’m at in my life. I’m starting my career as a 7th grade teacher at a college preparatory school tomorrow. I will meet my new colleagues, tour the school, and prepare to begin teaching next week. And I am ecstatic. But that’s not the only thing I’m feeling. I feel that, although I’m pursuing a career that’s academic and something that I’m passionate about, I’ve lost my identity as a writer.
When you spend the whole of your college career dedicated to one thing and land in a job that has little to do with that thing, it’s confusing. I’ve always thought about teaching in the back of my mind, and in the uncertainty of my senior year of college, Teach for America seemed like a perfect opportunity. I’ve always been passionate about education, and TFA’s mission of educational equity aligned with my personal values. That’s what I tell people when they ask me why I chose it, anyway. And don’t get me wrong, it is a completely true statement. I love my TFA community and I’m enthusiastic to begin my career in education. But there might be another reason—one which I’m not sure if I’ve ever fully acknowledged. I don’t think I’m good enough to make it as a writer.
Wow! What a scary thing to admit. I spent three years studying creative writing because it is the thing I’m deeply passionate about. I love literature and I want to devote my life to writing new things for people to read. However, it’s an intimidating field to get into. I’ve been surrounded by successful poets for so long, and the impostor syndrome is real. I always thought about pursing a Master of Fine Arts degree in poetry right after undergrad, but I felt my portfolio and my resume weren’t robust enough. How sad that I didnt even try. But how incredible that I get to be in the classroom changing the lives of so many students!
Moral of the story, I need an outlet for writing. I have thoughts, poems, and stories that need to be shared. I have a degree in writing for a reason, and I am going to put it to use. That’s where you all come in! If you made it this far, I love you. Welcome to theashogren.com.
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